Friday, 13 July 2012

Retail, and all it's annoying customers

I work in retail.

I'm not telling you where I work, or what store, or even what country.   Just know that I work in retail and some days...just some days...Jesus it sucks.

Specifically I would like to address customers, and this is painful because I am a sometimes-customer myself, so I see both sides of the picture.  I see the pretty painted side where I am always right, retail exists solely because of my purchases and if I didn't shop at a store, all those poor jerks behind the counter wouldn't have a fucking job, so I fucking RULE.

And then I see the other side,  The backside of the picture, where hopes and dreams are put on the shelf (OMG another pun! (you'd have to read my last post to go do it!  This post will still be here for when you return.  I'm serious, go:, and you're just trying to make enough to pay your power bill and maybe a porn subscription on an Asian website.  This is the side I would like to address today.

#1.  Customers are Not Right.

Yeah, I typed it. Read it again.  AGAIN!  Now backwards.  You're good; I'm impressed.  :)
Customers are only right 30% of the time.  The rest of the time they are trying to exercise this rule they think exists where when they walk past the threshold of any store, be it retail, restaurant or a child-driven shoe polishing kiosk, that gives them the option (nay, a duty) to act like an asshole.

The sad part:  Retail stores were the ones to give these asshole customers the idea in the first place.

In trying to boost sales, retailers started this "customer is always right" bullshit, and look where it got us?

Just think about it.  Why else would so many people at once get this huge undeserving ego boost just for gracing a cashier with their presence as they purchase cooking oil?  Everyone needs food, it's kind of a necessity if you're trying to not die.  So stop yourself before you complain to a part time greasy produce boy about the overly soft kumquat, and just choose another one, turn around, and have a nice fucking day for once.

#2.  Do You Work Here?

In any store where you see a person sporting drab clothes that just do not fit right, an ugly colored hat, apron or vest, assume they work there.  Maybe look in they're eyes before you approach.  Is that the twinkling of self defeat and humiliation?  By George, I think you found a worker.

In the world of retail, customers automatically become stupid.  It's a fact that 98.5% of all customers become at least 20 IQ points stupider for just grabbing a cart (statistic may or may not be fictional).  With cart pointed aimlessly in a random direction, a customer will head inside the store.  They become so bewildered by all the lights and colors they actually forget where they are and what they're looking for.  So when they see someone they vaguely think works there to help them find their low-fat-non-dairy-nuts-free-soy-based-latte-powder, they have to ask.  Just.  In.  Fucking.  Case.

Drives me nuts.  I do not wear a name tag so I can befriend a random desperate person.  I wear a name tag because I am paid by the company to work there, and on the bottom of everyone's contract is a little line that says "You're ass is Mine - signed the owner of the company."  Therefore, nametags are not strategically designed to make us closer, it is designed to make sure I fucking know where I rank in the scheme of things.  I do not need a customer to ask the obvious.  Fuck off.

#3.  Can you help me find <insert random item here>, because my Mother said it was good for my heart, and I have a bad heart, or that's what my doctor said, and I've been up and down these aisles for what seems like forever and I simply can't find it.

Fuck you.  You have not been up and down every single fucking aisle looking for this one thing you fucking desperately need.  It's right there.  2 feet away from you.  Kiss my ass.

And i do NOT need your life story.  I don't know you, I don't care.  No amount of telling me the frivolous details will change anything.

#4.  Do You Know How to Get To <insert random place I've never heard of>.

Do I look like I have maps in my pockets to you?  There's a fucking map stand right over there, go find it yourself.  Retail shops don't hold people accountable for smudging maps with your sticky fingers.  Have at 'er!

That's it for now.  I'm exhausted and need a drink.


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